Time slows, jagged neon lights flash, bodies grind. The fan induced breeze dries sweat soaked bodies. The stench of alcohol, sweat, smoke and arousal clogs up my nose. In that moment, senses dulled, with the bass just an echo in the deep recess of my mind, my eyes focus on a memory.
It’s been a while since I last saw her, since I was reminded that I once loved her sister and after, in a fashion, her too. Twisted. She sways to a beat I can no longer hear, it still echoes – look back at the faded silhouette, my whole being at that moment centered on her. He pulls in for a kiss; she shifts, mouths a no and then eases in. Arms around neck, tip toes, mouths mesh and hands roam. I swallow the disappointment and regret; it is dry and slides down my throat with the ease of crushed glass.
The spell is broken and the sound returns. I am all too aware again, of everything around me. Of Beefy beside me, of the guy fondling my ass as he walks past, of Brian in the corner with that expression that only hastens the rejection he keeps seeing coming. I should warn him but I don’t care. I need a drink. That sight had me a little rattled and I found that even more unsettling. I thought I was long past this.
And we will never get back to
To the old school
To the old grounds, it’s all about the new found
I’ve been searching and I tell myself I don’t know what it is I’m searching for, that I’ll know when I find it. I call bullshit. I know. I am just being dramatic about it, fucking attention seeking whinger. I want a return to the past. A past where the future is but a distant mirage and not tomorrow, responsibility and consequence but buzz words rather than the burdens I must carry. To nights of excess, days in pursuits of ideals clouded, never seen or understood, at least not by me. Where the shadows guide my path, to when I trusted blindly, foolishly perhaps, and didn’t wish to open my eyes. A time when the cynicism and jaded outlook hadn’t set in. To the days before the regrets that hold me back and the demons that keep me up at night. I want a do over.
It was all there, in plain sight
Come on people, we have all seen the sight
Her roommate long abandoned, she stumbles from the arms of one chequered shirt, gelled hair, and white loafers’ pretty boy to another. Her decline is harder to take than the earlier scene. Sometime later, by chance we bump into each other and for that brief moment she acknowledges me. Then again, I’m useful at that moment. She needs water. But before I can get the buxom bartender’s attention, she’s off again, now in the arms of another stock Tiger jock. It saddens me. I’m judging and I really don’t want to but I can’t help it. That says something doesn’t it.
In between the drinks, Michelle and Afua, my mind is still on her and her sis. It was all there but I had always sugar-coated it because it was easier to accept that way. It is a hard thing to admit you’re not really part of a world you‘re striving to be in. I remember the remarks, the blow-offs, the coldness, the looks in our friends’ eyes because they knew and even my own instinctual uneasiness. At some level, I knew I was being shabbily treated but I didn’t care. Now though, we’ve come along a way.
Straight ahead on the path we have before us
Day by day, soon the change will come
Don’t you know we took a big step forward
Just lead the way and we will pull the trigger
And if it be demons I take to bed then it’s going to be one hell of a night. The choices have been made, my eyes are open and there are paths to tread. I’m still searching but no longer for the past, but rather living this moment, grasping at the shadows in the future mists.
We’ve come a long way since that day
And we will never look back
Look back at the faded silhouette